how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
