You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
