why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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