We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
