I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I didn't notice because vodka
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
