I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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