I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Randomize
