Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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