Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
