I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
