my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
