I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize