i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm bleeding and have questions
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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