I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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