If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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