I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
