I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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