my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
