Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
