just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
