We won't sleep together?
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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