Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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