I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
