He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
