I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
