Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
