A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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