The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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