Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
