Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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