I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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