She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
