We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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