Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Randomize
