im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
