I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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