The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
