god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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