That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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