i need an iv and a liver transplant
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
