Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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