Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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