my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
