At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you will always have a special place in my vag
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
