My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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