don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
