I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
