My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
