well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
