In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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