Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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