How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
