I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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