You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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