The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
