if i can run in heels then i can drive
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
