The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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