I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You are the jesus of drinking
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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