Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
