I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
